Weekly Bachelor Blog

And here we go...

Kacie B gets a one on one date.  They go to a deserted island.  Just Ben, Kacie, and a production crew of 25.  They talk about being completely secluded and how they are going to survive.  Tom Hanks would have been so disappointed.  She gets the rose because Kacie says she likes to grocery shop, and no guy likes to do that (am i right fellas, huh? huh?)  I suck.

So the group date takes the gang into the Panamanian rainforest and they end up in Leepo Leepo (anyone who gets this reference gets a round of applause from me).  The girls are surprised to see that the native children immediately run inside upon seeing them arrive at the shores of their village.  This is in no way a surprise to me, as God only knows what diseases these broads are running around with.  All the girls are shocked when Baby Voice decides to "basically" go topless with the exception of the traditional garb the tribe wears.  The rest of the ladies are shocked and appalled by her tactics.  I don't understand how these other girls don't realize that guys like whores (not this guy though).   Flash the goods and a guy will give you attention.  Its been this way since the cavemen.

Desperate for more attention, Baby Voice tells Ben what room she is in and then jumps in the pool when Jamie is talking with Ben and mentions in passing that she thinks she is getting sent home because of Baby Voice's antics.  She's right.

Emily expresses her love for the Chief of Leepo Leepo to lighten the mood instead of talking about her issues with Baby Voice.  Good call.  It's gonna allow her to survive to the next week I would bet.  Emily then attempts to reconcile her differences and the word "respect" is thrown around a lot.  Baby Voice then says she didn't want to "bend over and take it up the tail pipe".  Nice Liar Liar reference.  Linzdi gets the group date rose because, I don't really no why she gets it.  This show is turning my brain to mush.

Baby Voice is seen in her room putting make up on and hoping Ben shows up.  She talks about how she has been mistreated over the years by men, and Ben never shows.  If a guy spit in this girl's face, it wouldn't be enough mistreatment.

The 2 on 1 date is a salsa lesson with Ben, Man Face and Bangs.  The Peanut is sitting next to me on the couch up to this point after getting back from her run.  She is starting to smell a little ripe at this point just adding to my misery.  Man Face's stripping past is making Bangs nervous.  Man Face breaks down during some one on one time and commiserates over never getting a true one on one date.  She shows Ben her scrapbook she has been making over the course of their "journey" together.  It's a despicable array of magazine clippings and construction paper.  It was bad, real bad.  I think Man Face's over dramatic bull shit, terrible use of a glue stick and safety scissors, and trashy tattoos sealed her fate, and she is sent packing from the 2 on 1.

Paris Hilton and the rest of the girls get a visit from Chris Harrison.  He must be getting paid overtime since he had to pop in on the ladies outside of the cocktail party/rose ceremony.  He pulls Paris aside to chat about her love life in the US, Michael.  The nosey bitches watch through the glass as Chris confronts Paris and she backpedals and side steps like a true champ.  She then says "maybe I should be in therapy".  Is rain wet....
Therapist Harrison suggests having a chat with Ben and how she does't want to be in love with Michael, but she is.  This is Harrison's lame ass attempt to make right what he fucked up so badly with Bentley and Ashley.  Harrison sits there making her confess to Ben her other love like a father who makes his kid take the candy bar back to the 7/11 after they stole it.  Paris has a total meltdown on national tv to get a little more air time before Ben tells her to go home.  Ben tries his best contemplative gaze on the balcony while Paris wheezes in the stairwell.  ABC and the producers made her leave in such a rush they didn't even let her put shoes on.  She continues her childish theatrics in the minivan.  Anyone else not seeing any tears fall out of her eyes, she just looked greasy.

Jamie tries to make up for lost time and be aggressive by straddling Ben and making out, while insinuating she wants to do him.  She also talks to much and is a prude.  She is trying to act like the girl in the movies who is the ugly duckling, but takes her glasses off and voila, is hot.  This ploy will not work.  Too slutty, too late.

Anyway, quick wrap up, Man Face, Paris, and Jamie (the one who could not keep the attention of Ben while Baby Voice was in the pool) are sent packing.

This leaves:

Nicki (who skates by while be invisible the whole episode)
Baby Voice
Emily the Tattletale
Lindzi (already had rose)
Kacie (already had a rose)
Bangs (already had a rose)

Next week the gang heads to Belize.  

Cheers until next week,

Bobbaganoosh

The Bane of Existence: The Bachelor, Season 538

I figured I would save The Peanut from my ranting about one of her favorite shows.  I think that it's a prerequisite of being a woman (Hate video games, love the bachelor, eat things and say "I shouldnt have eaten that")


Anyway, the episode begins with the Ben and his bitches flying to Puerto Rico from Park City.  Nikki got the first one on one date, but the moment had to be stolen by Courtney, who will henceforth be known as Baby Voice, due to her annoying way she thinks talking like a baby is hot.  I hate you.


Nicki states that she would be "really bummed if she came all the way to Puerto Rico and didnt get a rose on the date.  Thank you for letting us know that because we couldnt have figured that out without her letting us in on her deepest feelings.  


Did Ben just say "rad"?  The last time that word was cool, pubic hair was fashionable.


Nicki the foreshadower said the date was going great, what could possibly go wrong?  Rain.  And not regular rain, sideways rain.  They both then run in the rain barefoot, which I can think of no better idea than running barefoot through the streets of a third world country.  Additionally, her dress, which was awful to begin with, now looks like a trashbag that was left outside at a family barbeque.  They get new "threads" and Ben indulged his inner douche, and went with white linen.  He looked like Scaramanga from "The Man with the Golden Gun", minus the third nipple.



He then drops a great nugget of wisdom while they creep on a wedding that is currently in progress.  "I think being engaged is a lot different than being married."  I feel an ulcer starting to form.


I will say this, Nicki is a little "thicker" than the typical Bachelor girl.  This is a good thing in my book.  She looks as if she doesnt starve herself to achieve a body image that for most is unattainable without extreme measures being taken.  At the conclusion of the date, they discuss the one thing that gets a dude's dick harder than anything else: her failed marriage.  She thinks its her being "open and vulberable."  I call it the eventual kiss of death to this "relationship".


The group of girls discuss who is the most deserving of the one on one date.  By process of elimination, Elyse gets the one on one, and Man Face (Blakely) is not happy.  Moving on...


Nikki gets the rose.  Shocker.  I need someone to go back through the previous seasons and find out how many girls didnt actually get the rose on a one on one date.  It's gotta be in the single digits.  If you get a one on one, you have to assume you have that thing locked up, unless you start talking about how big ex boyfriend's dicks were, how you like to shit with the door open, or that you are awaiting the results to your AIDS test.


The group date is a baseball game.  They run them through warm up drills, fielding, batting, and cartwheels.  Chris throws a wrench into the plans. I LOVE A GOOD TWIST!  Teams will be split up, and the winning team gets to attend the beach party that night, with the losers going back to the hotel to get drunk and talk about how in love they are with Ben after 4 weeks.


Baby Voice and Man Face are appointed captains.  Baby Voice is impressed with Man Face's skills on the diamond and says "she didnt know that strippers were so good at baseball."  Sorta funny.  Ben and the girls keeps talking about how intense the game is.  I dont ever remember playing in a game that was intense that had construction fencing as the outfield wall.  Jennifer K's to end the game, and Man Face berates the team in the dugout about how hard she tried, and of course breaks down to tears as the winners are whisked off in a helicopter, because she wont have the time with Ben.  Just. Stop.  The over dramatic bullshit is wearing on my patience.  This may be my first and last live blog of this goddamned show.



Baby Voice continues to scheme and talk shit about all the other girls and how wrong every other one of her "teammates" are for Ben.  He gives the rose to Casey B. because she is a good listener.  Don't expect that to last pal.  Baby Voice tells us how she has a plan, and takes him down to the beach to be alone.  She says "like" 57 times (ballpark) in a 3 minute talk with him.  I wish Kenny Powers would have celebrity pitched to this girl during the game and knocked her the fuck out.  Apparently since ABC is such a family channel, they blur out Baby Voice's side boob,  They want to take away one of the few reasons to watch this show.


The second one on one date is with Snooki's cousin, Elyse.  Before the date even starts, she is crying because she gave up her job to be on the show.  Good call.  I think one of these atrocities have actually culminated in a lasting marriage.  On top of that, there are 24 other girls on every show.  Way to play the odds on that one.


They are on a yacht cruising around.  Snooki's cousin reading her resume to Ben on how she follows through on most things she starts.  The producers told Ben that they should jump off the side of the boat, so they jump off the side of the boat and there is an underwater camera to catch the impact with the water.  I'm glad this show allows people to be spontaneous and isn't planned out at all.  The dinner portion (does it bother anyone else that they never show them eating?) goes south when Snooki's cousin basically says she is on the show because she is "sick of being single".  This rubs Benny the wrong way, and Snooki;s cousin is sent back to Jersey.  Of course I spoke earlier about how it was a guaranteed rose if you got the one on one.  Damn you bachelor, I'm back.  One of the best parts of this show is just how brutal it is that a camera is shoved in the face of the recently departed.  Its the classic watching a car crash in slow motion.  Ben is poetically shown walking down the beach, and tosses the unused rose into the ocean.  How emotional...


Seeing Snooki's cousin have her bag removed by a show henchman, Baby Voice states "you know, its getting down to the wire, you cant keep everyone, every week."  Brilliant.  She also ponders, "whether Ben has ever skinny dipped with a model".  We get it, You're a whore.  Anyway, they go skinny dipping and Baby Voice makes her 5th Charlie Sheen "winning" reference.  I wish the opening scene from Jaws would have happened.




At this point, I had to take a break from the drivel to wait for the rose ceremony,  but I'm sure Emily talked shit about Baby Voice again.


Does anyone else hate how the music immediately changes the second he touches that first rose?


Roses in the order given:


Lindzi
Jamie
Bangs aka Rachel
Baby Voice
Paris HIlton aka Casey S
Man Face


then, the Man with the Easiest Job on Earth, lets all our blind viewers know that it's the final rose tonight.


finally, Emily gets a rose, sending Ginger Jennifer home.  She leaves with class, wishing him luck.  Must be a ginger trait to be a good person.  She inevitably breaks down in the limo in the midst of a hiccup attack and heads back to her boring life as an accountant in Oklahoma City.  Welcome back to humanity.


The gang heads to Panama City, Panama, which for my money is the second best Panama City in the world.







Hope you enjoyed my tainted views, See you next week.


Cheers,


Bobbaganoosh