Anyway, the episode begins with the Ben and his bitches flying to Puerto Rico from Park City. Nikki got the first one on one date, but the moment had to be stolen by Courtney, who will henceforth be known as Baby Voice, due to her annoying way she thinks talking like a baby is hot. I hate you.
Nicki states that she would be "really bummed if she came all the way to Puerto Rico and didnt get a rose on the date. Thank you for letting us know that because we couldnt have figured that out without her letting us in on her deepest feelings.
Did Ben just say "rad"? The last time that word was cool, pubic hair was fashionable.
Nicki the foreshadower said the date was going great, what could possibly go wrong? Rain. And not regular rain, sideways rain. They both then run in the rain barefoot, which I can think of no better idea than running barefoot through the streets of a third world country. Additionally, her dress, which was awful to begin with, now looks like a trashbag that was left outside at a family barbeque. They get new "threads" and Ben indulged his inner douche, and went with white linen. He looked like Scaramanga from "The Man with the Golden Gun", minus the third nipple.
He then drops a great nugget of wisdom while they creep on a wedding that is currently in progress. "I think being engaged is a lot different than being married." I feel an ulcer starting to form.
I will say this, Nicki is a little "thicker" than the typical Bachelor girl. This is a good thing in my book. She looks as if she doesnt starve herself to achieve a body image that for most is unattainable without extreme measures being taken. At the conclusion of the date, they discuss the one thing that gets a dude's dick harder than anything else: her failed marriage. She thinks its her being "open and vulberable." I call it the eventual kiss of death to this "relationship".
The group of girls discuss who is the most deserving of the one on one date. By process of elimination, Elyse gets the one on one, and Man Face (Blakely) is not happy. Moving on...
Nikki gets the rose. Shocker. I need someone to go back through the previous seasons and find out how many girls didnt actually get the rose on a one on one date. It's gotta be in the single digits. If you get a one on one, you have to assume you have that thing locked up, unless you start talking about how big ex boyfriend's dicks were, how you like to shit with the door open, or that you are awaiting the results to your AIDS test.
The group date is a baseball game. They run them through warm up drills, fielding, batting, and cartwheels. Chris throws a wrench into the plans. I LOVE A GOOD TWIST! Teams will be split up, and the winning team gets to attend the beach party that night, with the losers going back to the hotel to get drunk and talk about how in love they are with Ben after 4 weeks.
Baby Voice and Man Face are appointed captains. Baby Voice is impressed with Man Face's skills on the diamond and says "she didnt know that strippers were so good at baseball." Sorta funny. Ben and the girls keeps talking about how intense the game is. I dont ever remember playing in a game that was intense that had construction fencing as the outfield wall. Jennifer K's to end the game, and Man Face berates the team in the dugout about how hard she tried, and of course breaks down to tears as the winners are whisked off in a helicopter, because she wont have the time with Ben. Just. Stop. The over dramatic bullshit is wearing on my patience. This may be my first and last live blog of this goddamned show.
Baby Voice continues to scheme and talk shit about all the other girls and how wrong every other one of her "teammates" are for Ben. He gives the rose to Casey B. because she is a good listener. Don't expect that to last pal. Baby Voice tells us how she has a plan, and takes him down to the beach to be alone. She says "like" 57 times (ballpark) in a 3 minute talk with him. I wish Kenny Powers would have celebrity pitched to this girl during the game and knocked her the fuck out. Apparently since ABC is such a family channel, they blur out Baby Voice's side boob, They want to take away one of the few reasons to watch this show.
The second one on one date is with Snooki's cousin, Elyse. Before the date even starts, she is crying because she gave up her job to be on the show. Good call. I think one of these atrocities have actually culminated in a lasting marriage. On top of that, there are 24 other girls on every show. Way to play the odds on that one.
They are on a yacht cruising around. Snooki's cousin reading her resume to Ben on how she follows through on most things she starts. The producers told Ben that they should jump off the side of the boat, so they jump off the side of the boat and there is an underwater camera to catch the impact with the water. I'm glad this show allows people to be spontaneous and isn't planned out at all. The dinner portion (does it bother anyone else that they never show them eating?) goes south when Snooki's cousin basically says she is on the show because she is "sick of being single". This rubs Benny the wrong way, and Snooki;s cousin is sent back to Jersey. Of course I spoke earlier about how it was a guaranteed rose if you got the one on one. Damn you bachelor, I'm back. One of the best parts of this show is just how brutal it is that a camera is shoved in the face of the recently departed. Its the classic watching a car crash in slow motion. Ben is poetically shown walking down the beach, and tosses the unused rose into the ocean. How emotional...
Seeing Snooki's cousin have her bag removed by a show henchman, Baby Voice states "you know, its getting down to the wire, you cant keep everyone, every week." Brilliant. She also ponders, "whether Ben has ever skinny dipped with a model". We get it, You're a whore. Anyway, they go skinny dipping and Baby Voice makes her 5th Charlie Sheen "winning" reference. I wish the opening scene from Jaws would have happened.
At this point, I had to take a break from the drivel to wait for the rose ceremony, but I'm sure Emily talked shit about Baby Voice again.
Does anyone else hate how the music immediately changes the second he touches that first rose?
Roses in the order given:
Lindzi
Jamie
Bangs aka Rachel
Baby Voice
Paris HIlton aka Casey S
Man Face
then, the Man with the Easiest Job on Earth, lets all our blind viewers know that it's the final rose tonight.
finally, Emily gets a rose, sending Ginger Jennifer home. She leaves with class, wishing him luck. Must be a ginger trait to be a good person. She inevitably breaks down in the limo in the midst of a hiccup attack and heads back to her boring life as an accountant in Oklahoma City. Welcome back to humanity.
The gang heads to Panama City, Panama, which for my money is the second best Panama City in the world.
Hope you enjoyed my tainted views, See you next week.
Cheers,
Bobbaganoosh
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